Uncovering ‘Rules of Dating’: Love, Expectations, and Red Flags

In Los Angeles, one of the most beautiful cities with the most beautiful people, where you can meet just about anybody from anywhere, why is it hard for singles to connect and stay connected?

Dating is as human as breathing. It should be easy.

People have been dating since the beginning—in all societies across time. There has always been some form of dating, courting, the arrangement of ‘coupleship’ meant to last a lifetime.

The dating scene today is different, but at its core it’s the same. Is there attraction? Is there banter? Is there common interest?

In Los Angeles, there are ample places to meet people in person and even more places online. There is always a new restaurant to have dinner and drinks, and countless neighborhoods to keep the fun going.

It’s almost as if the glamour of city life is meant to be experienced as a single person all dressed up and in search for allure.

If you’re single and you’re out — even if you’re out with friends and not interested in flirting — your eye probably still wanders, just in case you catch another wandering eye. And sometimes, a charming meet-cute is followed by the exchange of Instagram handles, phone numbers, a kiss.

Being actively single is a personal art form you teach yourself and master with practice. It’s true of dinner dates and hookups alike. You’ve got to be yourself, obviously, but it’s about how you turn it on, how the other person responds.

Every single person has different goals in mind—another date with that person, a chance at love, or one good night in shared company without strings attached.

It’s expectations (or the lack thereof) that make dating so difficult, especially in Los Angeles.

For one, there are too many options. In a city with endless options, are we really left with any option at all but to consistently look for the next best thing? How can we be satisfied?

People here are in love with what they do and who they are. Work often takes priority. In a city where everyone is trying to be somebody, are we incapable of being somebody for somebody else?

This is the mecca of social media appearances. Your status as a couple is often tied to how well you photograph together. In a city so characterized by image, are we able to imagine a relationship that can forego the stamp of public approval?

And, my god, in a city so backed up by traffic that makes no sense, is any sensible relationship a long-distance one?

When you think about it long enough, you wonder if dating is worth all the time and effort at all—especially if, deep down, you’re looking for someone special.

Does dating actually lead us to love, or just pass the time until we find it?

After dating enough, you catch red flags quicker, hide your own red flags smarter, and determine whether or not it’s a good date five minutes in. You develop a sense of “who they are” by the clothes they wear, the food they order, the way they text, and the power of their touch. After one date, whether or not you’re conscious of it, you’re already counting how many boxes they check, and if enough boxes have been checked to earn them a second date. Likely, they’re doing the same thing for you.

On it goes, this social game no one really agreed to play, but are playing anyway, with rules that are often surface-level and arbitrary.

But where there are rules for dating, there is no formula for love. For while dates we prepare for and plan on, love (as I see it) is the happiest of accidents.

So, when it comes to dating, perhaps love shouldn’t be an expectation at all. Perhaps we shouldn’t look for love, ever, even in the people we’re on dates with.

Free the date from your past and any possible future. Let love look for you instead.