Talking About Sexual Health While Dating

If you weren’t tested yesterday, just thinking about your sexual health can bring on an unwanted episode of self-induced anxiety. Am I as safe as I think I am? Did the condom tear last week? Is that bump a pimple or the early signs of a chronic STD?

Now, if you’re not in a closed monogamous relationship, talking about your sexual health with new dating partners can issue up a whole series of outward anxieties. It’s awkward! When do you bring it up? How do you bring it up? Do you even need to bring it up?

Like your mental health and physical health, staying on top of your sexual health is an important part of being a healthy adult, especially if you’re single and mingling.According to psychologist and sex therapist Dr. Janet Brito, quoted by CNN’s Kristen Rogers, “bringing [sexual health] up as you’re getting to know a potential love interest or hookup should feel as normal as talking about our favorite foods or hobbies.”

In an ideal world, maybe.

I don’t know about you, but talking about sexual health is definitely not as easy as debating different opinions about arepas.

Even if you’re confident in bed at night, bringing up bedtime shenanigans in the morning can feel weird. Even if you’re okay wearing condoms and taking PreP, discussing if and why you need to take precautionary measures can be a buzzkill. Since sex is stigmatized in society, talking about sex can rustle up feelings of shame, past trauma, and insecurities when it comes to desire and love. And if you actually start to like someone, getting on the same page about sexual health can feel like an emotional obstacle the size of an elephant.

In his article, “Is STI Stigma Preventing You from Enjoying an Emotionally Safe Sex Life?”, psychologist and sex therapist Chris Donoghue suggests that we refrain from these kinds of conversations because of shame.

“If you are sexually active in anything but a totally monogamous relationship, you run the risk of contracting an STI,” he says. “Shame and STI stigma just prevents disclosure, getting tested and getting treated. Shame keeps us from taking care of ourselves.”

Whether you’re the one receiving the shame or giving the shame (it works both ways), it’s important to understand that we were not born with these feelings. When it comes to sex and intimacy, certain values were thrust upon us by our parents, our teachers, our friends, our religious leaders, and society at large.

How many dates do you go on before you have sex? Are you a slut if you’re anything but monogamous? Is being a slut bad? Is being gay bad? If you’re in a gay relationship, what things shouldn’t you talk about with straight friends and family?

Like ripping off a Band-Aid, the best way to overcome shame around sexual health is to confront the conversation head-on. You can’t control your current partner’s past. But what you can control is your own health, how you react to your partner’s health, and the way you talk about it together.

“Try to [bring it up] in a calm environment instead of saving the discussion for the moments right before sexual activity,” Kristen Rogers says. “…Mentioning it then could also make things awkward, which could make you more likely to say never mind and think about the consequences later.”

According to Rogers and her research, it’s best not to use words like “clean”. This terminology is dated and unfairly assumes that people with STIs are “dirty”. Like the flu or any other transmissible virus, STIs are common infections. If you think of them as “gross” or “dirtier” than other conditions, maybe that judgment stems from a deeper insecurity you have with sex overall?

Sexual health goes beyond our physical bodies. It’s complex and emotional.

“Sex matters, because all relational interactions leave an imprint on us. Sex, which is always relational — even when it’s anonymous or with a random, never-seen-again hookup — leaves you both consciously and unconsciously transformed,” Chris Donoghue says.

Considering these long-lasting effects on our mentality, sexual health is not just about wearing condoms and preventing STIs. It’s also about making sure that sex feels good—before, during, and after the physical act. Sex should be fun and intimate and add beauty and confidence to your life. If having sex with someone makes you feel worse, even if you’re being safe physically, you may not be having the safest possible sex. Your sexual health includes ‘emotional protection’ as well.

“Emotionally safe sex acknowledges that all of our experiences of touch are recorded and stored in our bodies and genitals. Those experiences can leave us feeling more or less desirable, or more avoidant,” Donoghue continues. “Your self-worth is sexual, determined by all those you interact with and how they leave you feeling.”

It takes two to have sex. So, too, it takes two to talk about sex, openly and without judgment. So, when is a good time to talk about sexual health with someone new?

Just like in finding a compatible partner, there is no one-size-fits-all answer. For some, it might be at dinner on the second or third date. For others, it might be on the way back to his house hours after meeting at the club. Whenever you do bring it up—because you should at some point talk about it—pick a safe, calming environment. Try to forego past judgments. Consider both the physical and emotional parts of your sexual safety.

Above all, be honest.

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