Ghosting: Is it New? Is it Wrong?

Have you ever been ghosted? Have you ever ghosted someone? If you’re actively single today, you have probably experienced one of these, maybe both.

In the last decade, the term ‘ghosting’ has been so popularized that it’s been added to the unofficial dictionary of dating culture. It describes being completely cut out from a romantic partner, out of nowhere, without warning or explanation. Especially now, in the age of online dating, where, with a couple of swipes and a bit of banter, you can make a first date appear as easily as you can make a fourth date disappear. How? By simply not responding.

Has ghosting become the new, simpler way to break up with someone early on, before any long-term feelings have developed? Or is it an escapist, non-confrontational ploy to avoid a difficult conversation?

VeryWellMind’s Wendy Rose Gould examines the origins of ghosting today.

“The term ‘ghosting’ became mainstream about seven years ago alongside the surge in online dating,” she writes. “Interestingly, though, the term was actually used as far back as the 1990s. Some pop culture writers and scholars have even used the term to describe ghostwriting in hip-hop music.”

Since there are so many dating options, especially in big cities, a single man might ghost his new romantic partner to easily and effortlessly move on to the next. Since breaking up is usually a hard conversation, a single woman might ghost her lover to avoid making things teary-eyed and complicated.

In a new dating segment about ghosting, LATV’s Victor Ramos opens up about a time he was ghosted—and was devastated when it happened.

“Here in L.A. specifically, I don’t know what it is. You’ll get someone who is so invested in you, and then out of nowhere, they’re like, ‘oh, I can’t do this,’” he says.

Whether you think it’s indisputably wrong, occasionally appropriate, or the all-new modern way to end things at any stage, ghosting is a reasonable thing to fear, forecast, or expect when you start dating someone new. It can have lasting emotional effects, especially if you’ve started to catch feelings.

“Ghosting is inherently ambiguous because there is a lack of explanation for why the relationship ended,” Gould goes on to say. “For the person who has been ghosted, it can lead to significant feelings of rejection, guilt, grief, and shame.”

If you’ve been ghosted, then you know that it’s important to be aware of the possibility and take certain precautions—whatever that looks like for you. After a couple dates, if you find that you’re the only one reaching out, if you’re the only one making plans or getting vulnerable on dates, you might end up getting ghosted. Talk about it; take a step back.

On the flip side, if you notice that you’re not fully engaging with a new person in your life, you’re purposefully slow to reply, or you’re trying to draw distance but they’re not getting the message, then you might end up being the ‘ghoster’. Think about it; maybe bring it up.

“I’ve been in the situation where I’ve had to ghost,” Ramos goes on to say. “There’s something about that though that makes me feel so guilty, because I know what it feels like, and it hurts me. But sometimes you do have to do it. Sometimes people just don’t get the hint.”

In many ways, ghosting is not a new phenomenon. A thousand years ago, if your suiter stopped writing you letters, did they die or did they ghost you? Hundreds of years ago, if you fled your town without letting your lover know, did that count as ghosting or was it just the way of the world? Seventy years ago, if you met someone cute at a party and hit it off, and they left without saying goodbye, did you get ghosted? Forty years ago, if you never called her back, did you ghost her?

We’ve been silently breaking up since the dawn of dating. But, today, so much contemporary communication exists over text. We communicate so much faster and more frequently than we did in the past. By that logic, being ghosted today can sometimes just feel a little lazy. How long does it take to write an honest text, send a short voice memo, or hop on a quick call?

“If you can avoid it, if you can be someone who is all about communication—which I think is the most important thing in all types of relationships, whether it’s friendship, whether it’s romantic, whether it’s a family member—then take that route,” Ramos says.

If you’ve been ghosted, keep in mind that it really says more about that person than it does about you. And if you’re thinking about ghosting someone, try to find the words to tell them how you’re feeling instead. Even if it’s the more difficult way to do it, it’s certainly the healthier, more honest, nobler way to end things.

Besides, we should treat people how we want to be treated, right?