Is Coming Out Overrated?

It’s hard enough coming out to yourself. Then, you have to come out to your family, to your friends, classmates and co-workers, the list goes on. You roll through the reveal like a script, combat all their questions like an expert, and then you’re—free? Exhausted? Both?

In the over-simplified journey of queer person, coming out is a pivotal moment that often looks like sitting people down and formally addressing your arrival on the flip side of closet. Unlike straight folks—who don’t second-guess their preferences, and thereby never need to announce it—queers are encouraged to officially broadcast their sexual awakening and engage in the prickly conversations that follow.

Do we come out because, deep down, we think being queer is wrong? Do we come out just to let everyone know where we’re at? Does it prepare our fathers before we bring someone home? Does it warn our friends before they make homophobic jokes? Does it give people better perspective?

When a problem arises, it’s best to confront it. When there’s a misunderstanding, it’s good to talk it though. But if being queer isn’t a problem, then why must we come out in the first place? Looking to the future, if we are to truly normalize being queer in mainstream society, will coming out get phased out completely?

“It segregates us more, you know, in a way. Like, why can’t we just talk about it as if it was a normal relationship?” says Zashia Santiago on an episode of Queer Questions.

Santiago, a content creator and TV host, was born in Miami to a traditional Latino family. So, even though she identified as bisexual for a long time, she dated men because that was the expectation. And life carried on as it does.

When her ex (and the father of her children) agreed to an open relationship, Santiago was able to re-explore her connection to other women. And with women, she discovered, she was happier and more in touch with herself.

That queer liberation is more complicated if it happens when you have kids.

“I didn’t know what my boundaries would be with them, but it’s been pretty smooth ride just knowing that I don’t need to explain everything,” Santiago says. “I never had to sit them down. It kind of just flowed naturally.”

Santiago never saw the point in coming out—to her kids or anyone. If it’s really about love, then gender preferences and sexual orientation are just ordinary details.

“I want … my child to just bring home someone that they love and say, ‘This is the partner that I’m with’, instead of having to sit me down and say, ‘Mom, I think I’m gay,’” she goes on to say. “Love is first. Always. It doesn’t matter who you’re with, who you’re talking about, whatever it is that you want to do, as long as you’re not hurting yourself or others, we’re all for it.”

For the full interview with Zashia Santiago, check out her episode of Queer Questions on the LatiNation app.

Engage with us! What are your feelings about coming out?