The Emotional Baggage Men Carry

“The comment hurt my feelings,” he said.

I hurt his feelings, a good friend and fellow actor, that I made a joke after his performance in class last night. Even though he did a great job, it hurt his feelings that I chose humor instead of respect when he came to sit next to me after the scene.

“I’m sorry,” I said.

“You don’t have to be sorry if the work didn’t resonate with you,” he replied.

First of all, the work did resonate with me. But second of all, whether or not the work affected me, I am sorry that I hurt his feelings.

That’s the funny thing about friendship, or any kind of relationship you care about: it’s not about what you mean when you said it, it’s about how you affect the person when the words land.

Especially amongst men—taught to disengage from emotional needs and suppress sensitivities—speaking up about feelings can be difficult.

Oftentimes when confronted about feelings, men defend their honor instead of attempting empathy. This is probably because when it’s men who do the confronting about hurt feelings or misunderstandings, they are deemed weak and unmanly. That machismo has seeped into the emotional baggage all men carry, across all cultures and orientations.

“Emotional baggage is made up of the pain, stress, and unresolved conflicts in our lives that we refuse to acknowledge and unpack,” writes Medium’s Van Moody. “The health of your heart directly impacts the health of your relationships.”

We don’t always talk about the disadvantages that men face. In a world plagued with misogyny and male privilege, talking about male hardships might sound like a tone-deaf attempt to put men back in the spotlight. But how are men able to fortify and deepen their relationships with others if they are never encouraged to unpack how they feel and talk about it with others, especially with other men?

“There is a worrying trend of denying that the problems men struggle with exist or are important,” says Dr. Simon Fokt in his online blog. “Doing so is not helpful and only creates more distrust, hurt feelings, and unwillingness to improve. We need to admit men’s problems are real problems and start actually solving them.”

Men often carry the weight of supporting the family financially. Men are looked down upon if they ask for help. Men are expected to act logically, unemotionally, and provide. A man is not to express sadness about being lonely, hurt feelings, or sexual frustration.

These patriarchal responsibilities turn into unnecessary pressures that can ultimately injure a man’s mental health, his quality of life, and the depth of his relationships. If you’re expected to be tough, in control, and anti-feminine all the time, your behavior will become destructive from the inside out.

Gay or straight, we all know masculinity can get toxic real quick—and not just toxic for the women who surround them, but toxic for the individuals themselves.

“Men are encouraged to embrace an unhealthy lifestyle along with rigid independence,” says licensed therapist Kevin Foss. “Men do dangerous sports, engage in risky behaviors, have an unhealthy diet, and are encouraged toward excessive drug and alcohol use. Furthermore, men are taught to ignore asking for help as it could show fragility and provoke ridicule.”

The best way to unpack emotional baggage is talking about your feelings in safe spaces. Choose friends and family members who are open to you being open with them. Find a therapist if you need an unbiased point of view. Put space between yourself and those people with whom you can’t always be your most vulnerable self.

We hurt people’s feelings. We get our feelings hurt. It’s an inevitable part of living life, being in love, and having friendships. But when you take the time to get to know yourself, why you tick the way you do, you’ll build beautiful bridges when you encounter turbulent waters.

“I’m glad you told me how you feel,” I said.

 “So, when are we hanging out?”