Does Coming Out Change the Father/Son Dynamic?

When it comes to coming out, people have different styles. Some people come out as kids. Others wait until late adulthood. There are folks who don’t come out at all.

For many queer people, there is no one defining moment that provokes coming-out discussions, but a compilation of feelings over time, a journey of insular self-discovery that culminates in pride, openly with our loved ones. Once we look in the mirror and see ourselves truly for who we are privately, we extend a hand to those with whom we want to rejoice in that self-realization out loud.

We tell our friends. Our colleagues and peers. Our mothers, our aunts, siblings, neighbors, and new friends. Our fathers. We traverse a transitory period, during which our sexual orientation becomes the nucleus of our identity—if not for you, then for those around you. They adjust their perceptions of your life, the obstacles you will face, the partners you will bring to Christmas dinner.

Coming out to your father, for gay and bisexual men in particular, can be one of the more challenging conversations during this time. Will he think of you differently? Will you be misunderstood? Will being queer change the whole father-son dynamic?

Fatherly writer Isobel Whitecomb offers suggestions for fathers who are preparing for their son to come out.

“For gay, bi, and queer sons, who may grow up with the sense that something about their masculinity is different, your reassurance means the world,” she writes.

Intentional or not, what a father says about queer identity will stick in their queer son’s head throughout adulthood. Unfiltered jokes about gay couples, impolite remarks about feminine expression, (sometimes harmless) stereotypes about queer life: these statements can indirectly prolong the coming-out process and strengthen feelings of shame growing up.

“Even if you don’t remember a specific instance, acknowledging your changing awareness of diverse sexual orientations and your attitudes toward them can go a long way,” Whitecomb goes on to say.

That fear that the relationship will change may be one of the biggest obstacles for young queer boys when deciding to come out. So, it’s important that fathers respond lovingly and with gratitude.

For sons and their fathers, masculinity can look different. Masculinity is fragile, sometimes toxic, and unique to every man—straight or gay. By no means does one form of masculinity outdo another, nor does it trump any flourishes of femininity that your gay son welcomes.

In a piece published by Refinery 29, Ted Bunch writes about what he’s learned about himself since his son came out.

“I was prepared for our son’s announcement and truthfully, I was waiting with excitement for him to embrace and share his full and authentic self with us,” he says. “However, I was not fully prepared for all the ways my own heterosexist conditioning would emerge.”

Bunch, a Black man who grew up in a different generation, understands the homophobic ways of the world. So, it seemed natural that—though he warmly welcomed his son’s first boyfriend and openly spoke with him about responsible sex—he feared for his son’s safety against a hateful, discriminatory world. And that fear was multiplied when his son started to express his queerness more visibly—namely in the form of brightly painted nails.

“On the outside, I encouraged his expression, but on the inside, I was hoping he would choose darker colors — black, navy, brown. My reaction wasn’t about him — it was about me!” Bunch says. “I didn’t share this with him at the time, but my distaste for the colorful nails was surfacing because of my fear that he would be bullied or teased. Brightly colored nails are not what “men” do, and Jalen’s expression of his gender was making me uneasy.”

This ‘distaste’ isn’t directly homophobic, necessarily. It stems from a masculine ideal Bunch has upkept as a straight male living in American society.

Being queer is so much more than sexual orientation. It’s part of it, of course.

Here is the corrected version of the text:

Queerness is a lifestyle, a community, a minority, an expressive form of rebellion (whether you like it or not). On the sidelines of heteronormative society, queer people are dancing to the beat of their own principles and standards of beauty. Queer people look at life through a unique lens—one as nuanced as the individual, colored by joy, love, pain, and resilience.

So, for fathers processing their sons’ queer identities, look beyond your own preconceptions of that label. Look past what it meant when you were growing up straight. Look into your son’s heart and be as proud of him for telling you as he was for overcoming the fear of telling himself.

Once we move beyond those initial conversations, and queerness becomes just another beautiful piece of your son’s greater identity, the father/son dynamic can grow much stronger.